I just told my doc I would like to talk about my drinking problem, but that it would probably get in the way of my weekend plans.
I have to brush my teeth today to feel like I did something.
she handed me her phone while she blew me and told me to text her bf that she was at the store
No. No, there is no forgiveness for this. The only way I'm forgiving you for this is if you somehow convince your sister to have sex with me. In her car.
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
Don't mind the bowl full of ashes in the sink. I meant to set that on fire.
AND BY FEELINGS I MEAN VODKA
Im eating these cheese filled pretzels. So good. Theres jizz dripping out places i didnt even know i had.
I didn't ask for a picture of your soft dick.
I curse you to think about Guy Fieri whenever you have sex with your lady.
I'm pretty sure the guy who was grinding on me while I was trying to get a drink at he bar was one of my tinder matches
Your "whiskey dick" is glorious but also terrifying
You're the air beneath my wings and the lookout when I pee
Finding my pants in the morning should not make me this proud
I think I may have gotten way too used to using my boobs as an extra hand/pocket...almost stabbed myself in the chin bc I forgot I put my fork there
Randomize