At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
by the end of the night i am guaranteed to have less of a face than Seal....
just took my ibuprofen with ramen broth, yay college
i actually have a tan line from him holding my boob while we were sunbathing
Its like a match made in avoid-eachother-because-we're-antisocial-and-awkward heaven
I swear to god, my hangover cure is a green tea and a 15 minute twerkout. works every time
it's not like I want to die, I just want life to stop for a little bit. how does that work?
why are there 3 differently sized panties on our kitchen counter?
We need to stop going on dates to the strip club.
And as drunk as I was I was able to show my mom how to make text italicized in Microsoft word
7% of guys ive been with can get me off... I did the math!
Just woke up from an extremely erotic dream featuring Steve Buscemi. Now I can't sleep.
Far be it from me to tell you where you store your dildos but from an interior decorating standpoint not fucking there
i wish i could say that was the first 40 year old woman from the circus I nailed
I have to start drinking water I have a drug test to fail at 1:40
Randomize
