I was able to overlook the Affliction tee until he took it off and there was another tattooed on his body.
Was it at least attractive minus the Gargoyles or skulls... or whatever affliction is putting out these days?
Even a greek god couldn't pull it off. Told him I like Ed Hardy Better. Death Before Dishonor, baby. I'm sure it was a painful blow. hopefully he understands sarcasm.
We were done making out and had been asleep for a hour. I felt him put his hand on my butt. Then I farted.
we were holding hands throwing up into the same garbage can; if thats not true love i dont know what is .
did you fuck him yet?
hahaha who do you think your talking to.. a nun?
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mom in a round about way told me to either donate my eggs or become a surrogate bcuz I need money.
and my attempt at hiding my drunkness from my parents included walking into the wall as soon as they let me into the house.
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
oh, so if i go friday and she's there, you are going to be my sponsor for not banging the crazy chick
this lady just pulled corn on the cob out of her purse
People like that make this world a better place.
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I feel like I should have backed off when "I love you" came out on the third date. Now I'm in her bed wondering which door my shrine is behind. Fuck.
how do you casually eat pancakes with someone after they send you an unsolicited dick pic?
you don't. it's the point of no return for pancake enjoyment.
I'm drinking coffee out of a pasta sauce jar and eating fruit soaked in Smirnoff. I think I've hit rock bottom.
Please tell me that I didn't call you to say I was swimming in outter space
The doctor basically called me a dirty dick.
I am officially in a love triangle with my celebrity crush
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