If I were a woman I'd fill my water bra with liquor so that I could sip on it throughout the day.
what do you mean I googled how to give an awesome blow job?
awesome recipe for disaster- bar hopping at the airport
then she said "on the count of three I think we should apologize to eachother"
its was like we drinking an entire bottle of mystery
You should get with him and swear you have to use lambskin condoms. That'll test his veganism.
I don't know where Tiffany is but I just saw her shoes in the bar lost and found
You said you wanted to start a restaurant called 'Barbecue' where everything is barbecued. You sounded really proud of your concept.
Me either. I want to get 'chase a stray cat through the neighborhood in my hooker heels' drunk. And it's your birthday, so you have to get 'best friend holding your hair while you puke in the bar bathroom and cry about your life' drunk. In a feather boa.
We told you to go get more fire wood and you came running back with a log that was on fire, not drunk at all.
It's like the blind leading the senile over here.
UPDATE: shit just got real- grandma is threatening to beat grandpa with a wooden spoon covered in chili.
I just realized I slept with a guy who used the pickup line "do you have a bandaid? I skinned my knee when I fell for you."
I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
I just washed my birth control down with captain because I don't have any water and I need to wash the blood off my face before I leave my room.....
Remember when I said I had my shit together?
I felt like I should've driven him home but I was holding in a fart and just needed him to leave
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