my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
You saying I have a drinkingg problem is like saying Superman has a flying problem.
You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
I don't know why I've never thought to take my bong into the bathtub before.
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He didn't seem too mad about the puke on the side of his car. You still have a chance.
We were trying to sober you with hotdog buns but you refused put half of it in your bra and said you'd save it for later
your drunk ass trust falled a guy double fisting bud limes and as a result your head bounced off the patio table. So that might explain the stitches on the back of your head.
It was like stroking your vagina with a cloud.
My parents called me out on catching us walking home from the bar in a swimming motion because "it was too windy to walk" home...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Your loyalty to the Redskins reminds me how no matter how much I disappoint you, you will still always be rooting for me.
I'm so hungover I can't taste anything
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
Found sauce from last night's pizza rolls wedged under my phone case... While sitting in my 8 am class. What happened last night?
I don't see why I have to pay for it.
your head went through the window, you're pretty much obligated to pay for it.
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
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