Saved 180 Bucks tonight. Pulled my own tooth. More money to party with.
So High I just made Cadbury Coffee. I don't know what it is yet, but it involves Cadbury Eggs and coffee.
I came home drunk to my night light on and a Hershey's bar on my bed. Mom knows me too well.
You screamed at all of us and then showed us your sack. You're like the boyfriend of my dreams.
I really thought you were going to tell me you were pregnant on facebook chat. FACEBOOK CHAT. I almost cried.
I was expecting a blowjob when she shoved me in the bathroom but instead she shaved my pubes into a mustache for my penis. I am still satisfied.
It was almost as bad as the time I peed on the floor of the Pentagon's subway station.
So do you want to hear how I got the hickey first, or how I got the black eye?
She's been drunk for three days now
Like three straight days. 72 hours
She's been covered in glitter for the last two and somehow she found a monkey
Also, we found a geriatric Snoop Lion.
I just text my one night stand Happy Easter on her way home...now would be a good time for the lord to smite me.
It's like an adderall Houdini. Right when you think you have a deal he disappears
I repeat do not go to a jail visit drunk, those stools are easy to fall off.
I'm going to preface tonight by saying that I'm sorry for tequila, shopping carts, and having to chase me.
Nobody cheats on THIS.
Randomize
