I woke up this morning with gum gluing my ass cheeks together..
I can't decide if I actually want to know or not..
Now there are two cop cars. If I go to jail I just would like to thank you for making me wear boxers.
there are 5 pictures on my phone from last night, 4 are too blurry to recognize and the 5th is you dangling a twizzler over your mouth, naked.
you dragged me by my throat over to the shots. this is a new level of alcoholism..
I feel as though the word "tired" has become synonymous with "too high to manage the stairs" lately
I promise a much better performance tomorrow than last night my penis has a bed time
Here's how he asked the pregnant girl for a cigarette. Hey yo prego throw me a square. Not joking.
damnit. I just found my cousin on tinder.
I was woken up at 6 am by a second grader trying to give me a sweatshirt for a pillow
I knew there was a problem when things got heated and instead of rushing home I offered to get bagels instead
You told the guy in Wawa you needed his hoagie for "a scavenger hunt" and then called him a "fuckstained Muggle" when he didn't give it to you. You are a delight.
Spending Thanksgiving making a swinging profile brings the day to a whole new level...
Sorry about my life...
I twisted my ankle while drunkenly playing in my adult kickball league. Now I'm having to use my grandpa's cane to walk at this party. I am so single.
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
Randomize
