my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
He was like a Bill Nye the science guy of sex....he was telling me things about my clitoris that I didn't even know
So basically i got outta bed and started peeing on the a/c unit..when my roommate tried to stop me i looked at him and said "i got this"
I can't begin to describe what I look like walking through the grocery store with this outfit and chocolate syrup.
dude you guys. You can't throw up in the recycling bin. I don't think vomit is recyclable
She just got out of the car and said "hold on purse.. It's going to be a bumpy ride"
He passes out, I smoke his kush. All's fair in love and a disappointing lack of sex.
A blow job from a tiger shark would still entail less risk to your genitals than having sex with her.
Trying to find a card for this engagement party. Can't find one that says "you met each other 5 months ago, cant wait to get the popcorn out and watch this one fall apart"
you said you didn't want to carry the pizza box so just folded up the pizza and put it in your pocket
So...guess who had sex tied to the ladder of a caboose under the stars in Joshua Tree? This bitch
He wanted me to come over on Christmas...inviting your fuck buddy over for the holidays is just something you don't do.
You reeked of guilt and shame and we offered you pancakes
Hi I love you will you be up for a while!
That exclamation point was a drunk decision
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