When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
I've gone to the bathroom 3 times. And forgot to pee. 3 times. Let's say we call it a night, I need to be found. I see a fish tank by the bar and some stairs.
I ended up staying at a police station for being a witness in a public masturbation case..NOW do you believe me that I've never had a good St. Patrick's Day?
That's the girl I met who was peeing on the driveway with me. We bonded
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
Nah nah nah the rules are different on st patty day, drink beer or die. It's like the hunger games but blurrier
Plus I'm pretty sure you said "love you" on the phone, so technically I should be putting you on some type of probation
I have a boner and a quesadilla why aren't you here
I walked home with him, but I had to pee...so I did...as we walked. He was so drunk he didn't even notice. Good thing I was in a dress.
I was hoping for a marriage proposal... Or at least an offer to sleep in his bed.
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
Thank god I work in a lab. This pinkeye is out of control and my safety glasses are the only thing stopping me from digging at my eye with a pen
is caitlin alive?
ya she's alive she's watching a movie
ok remind her she drank toilet water then.
Randomize
