Neighbors just bought a new bong. Got high with them and we decided to name it "Gary colemans sweet sugarlumps" these guys are hilarious
I woke up to find her cooking breakfast wearing nothing but my Nuggets jersey. I don't think this could end better.
He won't talk to me. He'll only communicate using scissors
I was passed out on the couch, she literally cut my boxers off with a 8" chef's knife and had her way with me.
I passed out in the VIP room and she charged me for 17 songs until I woke up, theres a bouncer asking me for $700, fuck tequila
If it's not soft enough to fuck on, then we're not getting the new rug.
My roommate has gone Christmas crazy. It looks like Jack Frost came all over my living room. Wanna come fuck me in the fake snow by the fireplace?
After he finished he sang his college fight song like it was some victory
I HAVE NEVER BEEN FRIENDZONED IN MY LIFE AND THIS GIRL IS GOING TO MAKE ME QUESTION EVERYTHING. LIKE A GODDAMN CUNT. A WONDERFUL, BEAUTIFUL, MAJESTIC, LESBIAN CUNT.
I've been wearing the same clothes for 3 days and they're covered in franzia
Officially crunch time. It's my last year of grad school and I've yet to get blown in a school library. The parking garage was less than a block away though.
i just looked at those "hey" messages and i was so confused and then i remembered we were practicing texting with our tongues.
But like now I know, men who are vegetarians are significantly worse in bed.
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
Did you guys just have three hour sex? You both stopped and restarted texting me at the same time
If I were to say yes, would we still be friends?
Randomize
