Unmistakable female orgasm noises coming from upstairs shower
She must've brought a toy -- seriously doubt that he's up to the task
considering I showed up there after a xanax, 2 bottles of champagne and some coke, no shirt and someone else s husband... I'm sure you can figure that one out.
I met her at the liquor store. I hope I'm wearing a condom
Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend. I woke up at 7 this morning to drive your mistake home because you wouldn't get up.
i feel this will be the best possible way to start a friendship. By breaking into his house.
In an m&m suit playing manhunt drunk. And you thought you werent guna have a good time
He's the kind you'd bring home and you'd wake up and all your food would be half eaten on the kitchen floor and all your socks would be missing.
All I wanted was a quiet evening to masturbate and eat cake and instead you ruined it by bringing girls over.
We got caught having sex in the bathroom by my professor. In accordance with tradition, we still brofisted. I think my grade went up considerably.
Bryan's allergic to that cheap detergent, so he's been naked for three days. But we're all used to it now, so the party is still on.
It blows my mind that pandora doesn't have an : I want to lay in bed in the dark and be sad and cold and eat frozen mangos and chipotle all day station
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
Okay. This morning the comforter was wet, you were underwearless and using a tiny blanket. What'd you do??
I think I just got suckerpunched by a 14-year-old.
IM FILLED WITH SANDWICHES AND SELF LOATHING
Randomize
