a smallpox vaccine scar is like a lower back tattoo.
it feels like my vag is blowing bubbles
dude uncooked spaghetti noodles dipped in thousand island dressing is better than it sounds
Can you bring me a pair of sunglasses to the bathroom please... Don't judge me.
You can't have your penis and eat it, too.
They're watching TV in bed. The Golden Girls to be exact. Aaaand I just heard them singing along with the theme song. I love living with gays.
I put labels all over the house on things I think are mine. A cactus, the dog, and a bottle of wine.
I can't believe that 100lb chick tackled me through a flight of stairs
You can't buy drugs with a ziplock bag full of quarters, chuck-e-cheese coins, and a starbucks giftcard.
watch me
Seeing Grandma lick chocolate sauce off of the male stripper was definitely not the way I planned to enter the world of legal drinking.
feelin groggy baby? need a coffee? vitamins? a nice good fuck on the piano?
Drunkness level: fluent in olde norse
I should not be this drunk in a place where a girl is wearing a princess dress
Let's be honest, college orientation is going to be "here's how to drink everclear"
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
Randomize
