Any toy can be an adult toy. Location, location, location.
Just spent the last three hours in the library successfully refreshing facebook
This is the time you want your cat to have telepathy with you. To know if the guy downstairs left.
He doesn't belong with God. He belongs face-down in a pile of his own excrement, vomit, blood and semen. Then pissed on by Satan.
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
I am walking funny today. And it's sad because it's from the bad encounter with the sidewalk rather than a good encounter with a stripper
There's a lady lying down on the sidewalk in front of our building smoking a cig
What I've learned from glowsticks: glowing things are not safe to eat
If my neighbors have super loud sex again tonight, I'm going to leave a ball-gag and roll of duct tape in their mail slot.
Sorry I punched you in the throat. You got in my way. You understand.
Nothing kills the mood like him going to slap my ass and he hits his balls at the same time
Friends don't let friends go vibrator shopping alone.
I just tripped over a but plug that was on the floor. It's 430 in the morning
Gave his drunk ass water, & he poured it on my shirt while saying "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!" When reminded of it today he replied with, "at least you came in first place"
When I woke up today i said I will NOT sleep with her. This morning I did the walk of shame into work wearing the same clothes... How was your Monday?
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