8am blowjobs give a whole new meaning to morning breath..
i just heard a guy call his kid "Google" in a way that leads me to believe that's his name. this day couldn't get worse.
He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
But sometimes ur dick treats me better than u do
just watched the video of me leading you with a trail of french fries.
How many weeks is it acceptable until I can start bringing freshman back?
fat chick, vomit on the dog, and three unidentifiable pills in my ear. all in the same ear. what the hell happened after the guests showed up?
you tried turning the bar into a spelling b competition last night and every time someone couldn't spell something you would make them chug.
Plus I'm pretty sure you said "love you" on the phone, so technically I should be putting you on some type of probation
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
I traded him cumming in my face for a year for a Disney annual pass. One giant leap back for feminism, one small step for the adult child Disney fan.
Started the 4th with a foursome. I don't know if it gets more festive than that. #MERICA
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
please tell dad to clear the porn off his tablet before he lends it to anyone from now on
Dude I just woke up with a dog sleeping on me.
I thought you didnt have a dog??
Exactly.
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