I just need you there to slap my dick when im flirting with her
you broke a plate. told her her wedding china was ugly and you were doing her a favor. then proceeded to break every plate you could get your hands on.
There's a wake for a coworker on 420 during te time of 420... Hoping everyone will be too sad to notice how high I am.
I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
I think the pivotal moment was when we used the see and say as a drinking game with shots of whiskey. It was all downhill after that.
It was awful. Mid hookup he started reading the titles of the books over my bed, which were about Russian imperial history. He then started asking me questions about the class I was reading the books for. I was like "WE HAVE TIME FOR THAT LATER, PLEASE CONTINUE."
THE CONDOM ONLY COVERS HALF OF HIS DICK I AM IN THE BATHROOM PANICKING
I mean thanks for the bj but i wanna forget everything that happened last night between 11 and 5
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
its the first football sunday and my boyfriend isn't excited. this isn't gonna last unless he makes me snacks and brings me beer during the game.
apparently they stopped looking at spit swabs under the microscope in bio ever since they found a sperm cell in one students sample
Nothing like putting a Percocet up your nose because you spent your night drinking heavily and can't drink water to make you heavily reconsider your life choices
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
Remember the random guy who licked my face when we were at the bar the other night?
Yeah. His name is Andrew. We just met
Please tell me why we have been neighbors since elementary school and waited until the night before I moved to fuck.
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