Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
She got subburned last week and her bikini ties in the middle...when I took off her shirt, there was a sunburned bow between her boobs. Like a present. Happy birthday to me!
Last night must have been awesome, my dog still smells like vomit.
When I woke up in the parking lot today I decided it is not a good idea to hang out with you anymore.
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I'm having flashbacks from last night. Did I admit to pausing Whitney's funeral because I was watching porn? I believe I did.
I forgot if I was chewing my gum or my tongue
Did you know there is a guy on the porch, wrapped in your snuggie, singing no woman no cry and drinking wine coolers?
We bought only tequila and Twister. And you're STILL surprised you got pregnant?
I just went to add a song I had never heard before to my "high as fuck" playlist and it was already there.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Like my new perfume? It's a combination of Fireball, sex and bad decisions.
And I wasn't CONVICTED of a felony, I just committed one
I finally figured out how to tighten my bra straps and I feel like a god
I'm slowly starting to accept that you have to be a sociopath to be attracted to me
You started yelling about vegans ruining the world. Because we drove past some cows eating grass.
..and by hang out i don't mean fucking then going back home i mean let's get something to eat & watch a movie and fuck sometime in between.
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