I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
If I see one more duchette wearing Ed Hardy, but not actually having a real tattoo. I swear Im gonna shank a bitch.
If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
the guy in front of me just bought a pound of bacon, a bouquet, and a case of budlight, i want to see THAT makeup sex
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
drunk me is my new role model. he's fearless. like not even afraid of tornadoes.
I am too drunk to make real decisions. I had pop rocks all over my ass earlier. This is not a joke.
I think I'm going to add the date I dumped his sorry ass as a life event on FB.
I think that's justified.
so you ordered business cards online last night with a picture of your dick on them. you need to hide that new credit card when you drink
Today, my weed came in a pokéball. I officially love my dealer.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
we got cupcakes after we fucked. gives a whole new meaning to sugar daddy
I really need to curb my attractions to blondes with tattoo sleeves, firearms and alcoholism
In honor of Super Tuesday, we should have the sex tonight.
We need to find out what drug we took so we can take it everyday from here on out
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
Randomize