Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
I got my parents high. They've been watching spongebob for six hours. You cannot tell me I'm not the favorite
everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
I legit just woke up on my couch, snuggled up next to some guy who's wearing my roommate's pink bathroble. What the fuck do they put in those shots?
when someone at the bar asked you a question all you knew how to say was "chug-a-lug"
Is it frowned upon to bring a flask to the er?
If you hear a sad honk in the wind it is me.
That would be a mascot riding an ATV at a semi-professional hockey game, if that doesn't sum up how I've been I don't know what could
I never realized the effects a broken spine would have on my sex life
When breakfast is a rum &coke at the office Christmas party you know it's gonna be a good day
If you don't believe in my fighting skills, I don't know if we can be together
I was christened with Fireball shots by some guy at the bar. I'm practically Jesus now.
For not being a nurse or a sex worker I have seen an alarming amount of penises.
Hey do you or anyone you know want to get drunk for free? At 4pm tonight at rctc for field sobriety training for future cops
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
Randomize
