I'm so hungover i just sang the alphabet to see if "Z" comes after "W"
I need a legitimate reason as to why the microwave door is in the shower
she reminds me of the first time i discovered masturbation. that's how you know it's true love.
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
Just had a memory of you pretending to be a begging dog putting your head on my lap while I fed you. Great night to try a new drug.
Tell me why I woke up spooning a hamburger like it was a teddy bear.
Were you drinking last night?
Because typically I don't associate the phrase 'Go sleepy time' with sobriety.
Check 'smoke weed with our ihop waiter' off of our To-Do List
I've just never heard the term serendipitous used to describe having one's asshole licked.
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
This whole pope visit thing is ruining me having sex.
Saw the guy I once slept with, he was buying Beer and shit tone of diapers. Glad to see how 2016 will turn out.
I just threw up a strange neon green substance. Did I eat a glow stick last night?
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
We're like a married couple, but we only have sex on college holidays and other people's birthdays.
Randomize
