my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
nailed a girl as she was wearing a darth vader shirt. Cross that one off my list.
I just had someone call me out on a walk of shame via megaphone
He is drunk texting me begging me not to tell my mom. Pretty sure he is about to offer me sexual favors for keeping my mouth shut. I love being the boss's daughter.
No. I remember how loud you used to get. Trust me.
update. expensive tequila only makes the mistakes more expensive.
Mike showed up naked and in handcuffs. Again. Feel free to come over and laugh because I'm not helping this time.
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
Just because your gf gives mediocre bjs doesn't mean I can fill that void
Honestly, I want an afternoon of mild abuse, mixed with face fucking and general molestation that turns in love making, laughter and cinnamon toast crunch naked in bed.
Which sister was it? The one I accidentally hit when my shoe flew off or the one I ate candy off of when we were high?
i now know why i keep getting pictures of poop. apparently someone put my number in a girls bathroom saying i am a poop lover.
you text any of them back? this is probably the most women you'll ever have texting you in your life. don't squander a good thing
Drunk in my hotel room, eating taco bell, and crying at Nicki Minaj's life story.
This is why I keep you in my life.
Oh don't mind my cushion, I got plowed in the ass by a freight train last night
Randomize
