Im wearin a dollar bill hat and tgkin a big girl home. Lifi is gmwnd
Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
She has 260 profile pics. In 260 she's ugly and in 255, she's making the peace sign with her hands...
I kept feeling my boobs..just to make sure they were still there.
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
The sun is so bright. Whhyyyyy. EYES ARE DEAD.
I feel miserable and there's nutella all over my phone
Our innocent game of 'Duck, duck, booze.' ended up not being so innocent
I told her my hands were paint brushes and her vagina was my canvas
You know it's been a good thanksgiving when you pee all over your own hands.
My mind just played a snippet of me asking to be a Joey and trying to climb into your apron pocket...
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
He interrupted me giving him head to ask if I were hungry, because he wanted to eat pizza. Wtf.
I woke up naked buried in snacks. Best night ever.
But Keith is doing MDMA for New Years and he's 39.
Keith has a beautiful 20 year old girlfriend, a good job and a cute puppy. We can't all be Keith.
But I want to be Keith.
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