i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
I'm sorry for what I said earlier...your vagina wouldn't look funny If you had a kid.
I made a vision board specifically for the purpose of boning john mayer.
Did you push me into the oil wrestling or did I elect to do it?
You said you wanted to do it, but I gave you a friendly nudge.
Got high and weighed everything in the house. My head is 16.2 pounds. Is that ok?
My right arm is handcuffed to my leg... Please help.
I can't believe you're trying to guilt me into a blow j because a tornado made you homeless.
Is it working?
Juss got out of jail; shes still in there tryin to sing her abc's backwards bc the cops neva asked her too... Whebever she gets to t she starts singin the tequilla song
Nothing is better than seeing someone you fucked go to the Olympics. I feel so American.
YOU DON'T JUST GET TO CALL AND SAY YOU MIGHT BE DEAD, THEN NOT ANSWER!
Yeah, but I think it would be a little awkward to explain to Mom that the girl I brought for lunch is not my girlfriend but just a fuck buddy who I met after she hit and totaled my car last month.
It is a bad day indeed when you learn that your boy toy looks better in your dresses than you do
I slept on her porch...in her dads handcuffs
After he came, he took a two minute power nap and then fucked me for another 45 minutes. He is a machine!
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
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