Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
Let's put it this way, it's 9am and that box of wine looks like the cure
she refused to get out of the dog cage till we sang "be our guest" to her.
We got a Christmas tree, decorated it to surprise his wife And kids who were out of town for her father's funeral, then fucked like rabbits on their new mattress before he had to pick them up at the airport.
I was just compiling a top 5 blowjobs list and that's in there for sure.
Hooked up with an Aussie chick last night only an Indonesian chick away from completing my lap around the pacific rim
Just ate a whole pizza by myself. Wearing my indian headdress again. its really cool with the french braids. I look like fucking pocahontas or some shit.
It's 9am. I'm four lines ahead of you already. Wake up.
WHY IN THE FUCK DID YOU LET ME DRUNK PUNCH STEVE? HE IS SUCH A NICE GUY!
Your text makes more sense read in reverse.
We bought only tequila and Twister. And you're STILL surprised you got pregnant?
So I just realized I have three bananas, seven condoms, three lube packets, three tampons, and a shot glass in my bag but no pen #modelstudent
I'm taking a shower and i'm gonna bring my pocketknife with me
Mom is so high she had to turn off the ceiling fan because it was going too fast and it freaked her out.
Hey do you care to explain why there are 3 empty pickle jars next to me when I woke up or do I even wanna know?
Randomize
