Remember when you weren't going to be a shit show?
we just toasted to your mouth on alex's balls at the bar
Apparently I added "small children" to my likes on facebook. glad to know that's where my subconscious is at.
the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
he doesnt exactly give off the "im mature enough to use my penis" vibe
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
No, no... it's pale and surrounded by awkward, curly, red hair. It's the Ronald McDonald of penises.
I wish there were birth control emojis
He is currently pregaming mini golf. MINI GOLF.
She went outside in nothing but her panties and came back inside 15 minutes later wearing a different pair of panties.
He said that he doesn't like skittles. This relationship is over an it hasn't even started yet.
There's a super pregnant woman here complaining about back pain. I better not see a live birth in the hair care aisle
If Plan B had a rewards card I would have earned so many free tote bags by now
All I want is a hot dog on a Saturday at 2:19 is that to much to ask?!
I’m literally lecturing this class on professionalism, while my body is undoubtably covered in leftover cum from last night. I’m a fucking role model.
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