I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
Great. There's a birthday party at work today. Now I can stand around and feel uncomfortable for an hour.
you spent the like half the night trying to figure out the puzzles on the back of the captn crunch box
Instead of just putting in it he asked "will you do the honors?" it was the cutest thing I had ever heard before sex.
An accidental pregnancy to a guy with a trustfund is no mistake. It is a gift from god.
We need to stop sleeping with people based on which NFL team they like.
I am at the point where deciding not to drink alone is worth a rocky music montage in and of itself.
Alright, I can go by eventually,, I don't wanna lose a second pair of shoes this semster from blacking out...
When you mimic motorboating Jennifer Love Hewitt, is it really that hard to understand why no one thinks you're straight?
That's what you get for dating construction workers you meet in tunnels.
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
Wouldn't life be so much easier if you could just walk up to attractive men and say, "Let me bear your children" and it wouldn't be creepy?
Or possibly end in a restraining order?
Called Apple, my penis pics are safe.
We had a quickie at work in the office. He walked out before me, and I fell asleep while waiting a few minutes to walk out. Yeah. He's got that change your life dick
I think I sent pictures of my boobs to an Olympic athlete...
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