bahahahaha i would laugh soo hard if someone did this for me hahahaha this guy would become my best friend
is it considered a "problem" when you find a pickle slice in your bed in the morning or is it like a "super-awesome bonus"?
Standing here next to my mom talking to my friend trying to act like he doesn't sell me E every weekend.
I've only been here for an hour and I've already made 6 babies cry.
Happy Birthday
ive been a drunken mess for the last 5 days. i feel like a 19 year old again
Hey, next time you have sex, flick his balls, and tell him "thats for getting spit in jennifer's eye and laughing about it."
Why do they give me cups on $8 pitcher night? I HAVE A PITCHER.
No, you always delete them without reading. Enjoy the virtue of morning innocence. What are you doing today.
She's trying to feed the TV fried rice and screaming "FRIED RICE AND TEARS". Please bring me more booze.
this probably sounds so sketchy, but hes going to jail in a month so he needs a place to crash for now. Hes sick though, and hes paying half our rent
Also, I would just like to reiterate my apologies for tearing up in the grocery store.
Probably for the best. My morning wood is pretty horrible. I wouldn't want to tip the earth's axis/ create a new magnetic pole
I was just hotboxing under my sheets and I got lost on the way out.
It was so scary.
All right, sex is off the menu for you. Now you just get friendship. So I can spend marginally less time being annoyed by you.
I'm not saying you're stupid, just that you have bad luck when thinking...
Randomize
