There is a guy, stoned out of his mind, only wearing slippers and a bathrobe in the library.
He came, while we were making out fully clothed. I'm going to write a book.
From russia with love. But also with chlamydia.
You should fuck with them and beat off in the cup and then walk out an be like, "This was a sperm donation right?"
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
...I think i just fell in love with a random undergrad at first glance. He was the awkward young adult version of captain hook. Dear god i need to get off this campus.
You tried to pay for our cab with the 2 dollars you got from selling your natty ice outside the strip club.
Also I just sneezed literally 12 times in a row so violently...boogers everywhere. Sorry to ruin the sexting. I just felt like you had to know
Went to work in the same clothes from last night, completely covered in glitter...I didn't choose the hag life, the hag life chose me
There's going to be a velveeta shortage. I'm not drunk any more, this is just dire info.
Have 7 min to kill while I wait for liquor store to open. Feels really awkward.
She just left someone a voicemail saying 'you better not have plans Saturday night, cause I'm going to sit on your face.'
whatever bro. i had ice cream and whiskey for breakfast and its noon. this is the second worst christmas ever.
The assignment was about the Industrial Revolution so I just screamed at them in a British accent all day. No, they didn't know I was hungover.
he put a condom on for a handjob WTF
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