she had that "i just got used" look on her face when i kicked her out at 5am
haha she has always seemed a little off. when i met her i was told she was the queen slut. and she had a crown on at the time. it seemed appropriate.
She's currently upstairs fucking her boyfriend while I am downstairs making them a sex playlist watching her boyfriend's Weiner dog and large Boxer try and mount each other. Marvin Gaye is playing. This is the ultimate third wheel fail.
Remember when there was a happier time when people could all hang out together with out the awkwardness of the fact that she stole $1000 and cheated on a brother with another brother !?!??
Tell him to dress up like Shaggy and kidnap him then bring him to me. We can pretend. Imaagination.
I'm giving you an age limit on the people you're allowed to hit on at steak n shake at 3 am. I can't see straight and I want a cheeseburger. You want dick. I'm sure we can't order at least one of those. But maybe.
Does the room smell any better?
Yeah, i sprayed perfume. It smells like Victoria's Secret, if Victoria's secret was that she was homeless.
If you take a post shower shit just get back in bed. You're better off starting your whole morning all over again.
I went to a community college and majored in Bad Decisions. I'm not exactly a chick magnet.
I completely forgot I gave up beer. But airports don't count. They're like international waters. No rules.
"Because this is an ongoing legal matter" is how his morning after sex text began. So...
Sorry I wasn't opportunistic about sucking your dick in an Uber last night
Threesomes are not as fun as you'd think. I left with a black eye and I'm not sure who's to blame.
Apparently I repeatedly thanked the paramedic for saving the "happy new year" beads i was wearing. that bad.
I couldn’t resist. He had a camouflage condom. You know I love a man in a uniform
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