A hot woman with candy. This is what heaven is filled with
when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
Dude a guy just showed up with alcohol and a bag of double cheese burgers. I think I found my future husband.
She just told me she's too full for a reach-around. Sad.
You should get with him and swear you have to use lambskin condoms. That'll test his veganism.
Fantastic. I'm pretty cold, tired, dirty, and hungry, but that comes with an adventurous weekend. Who needs a wallet or keys anyway? I could totally be homeless.
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
We need a full length mirror. I just ate it trying to look at my shoes on the toilet. But aside from a arm bruise I'm good to go
Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
She had a belly button piercing in the shape of a cross. Talk about mixed messages.
I need to immerse myself in a tub of peroxide to kill whatever traces of him are on me.
Btw, remind me to tell you about how I had to cancel my crazy wild sex plans with Will b/c my roommate came back from his trip after a day b/c Canada wouldn't let him in. Fucking cockblock.
Actually that's the whole story. You don't have to remind me.
While he was going down town Julie brown, I was eating French fries. True Love
Haha i really think theres no better way to tell a paramedic sorry for breaking your nose than a beautiful and healthy edible arrangement...
If you wake up, and some of your hair is singed off, it probably has something to do with the lit cigarette you put in your hair. You said it could double as a bobby pin...?
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