i bet if teenage jesus was here he would do a shot with me
I JUST MET THE GIANT MAN THAT WILL CARRY ME FROM PLACE TO PLACE
How many beers are too many "cause it's Archer Thursday" beers?
And theres a reasonable expectation that if you're fighting over a pair of yoga pants on the ground at VS someones gonna videotape it
I think I kinda scared him when I told him if he premature ejaculated I would punch him in the throat.
Malt liquor mondays...better in theory.
I just call them the hipster frat because they wear shirts other than pastel polos and listen to MGMT while playing dice.
She said, after pronouncing how sober she was, and I quote 'Take this bag, it's so heavy it's like 500 degrees! Wait, is it time to go? Can I run? I think I can run!' Then she ran away.
Last night I said "I'm so glad you broke up with your lesbian soccer mom girlfriend" I don't remember how he reacted I just remember trying to pee in the woods
If blow jobs were a super power she'd be in the Justice League.
i came home after a long day at work and she dropped a plate of cheesecake and a bottle of whiskey in front of me and said here's dinner
Reminding you of hookups your brain is trying to suppress. That's what friends are fooooooooor...
I need to be her Aladdin, and show her the world. The sex world.
LOL he's a hopeless romantic now? 🤔 I'd say giving him a bj in a freakin softball dugout isn't the most romantic thing but it still happened
Fast is cars. Home is I now. Drunk yoda me is.
Randomize
