Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
he is fucking friends with his exwife on facebook, but he defriends me after 3 dates? am i that crazy?
i just woke up in the hallway. not my hallway. i officially raise my hand to be DD next week.
i'm pretty sure god just pointed at me and laughed
I just pulled the condom that i lost on tues out of me at work ewwww!
I am currently eating pure cake frosting...I am not sure how I was ever referred to as a responsible adult.
This is so fucking sad. Netherlands isn't even a real country.
It was smashing those cupcakes into my face that did it. Junk food and I don't mix.
I started singing I believe I can fly in the shower and it was like the first stage of insanity
Accomplishment of the day: changing my tampon at 38,000 ft with turbulence. Fasten seatbelt sign was definitely on.
We can't do acid Disneyworld.
Your clever response has earned you a blow job this week
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
I just borrowed porn from my middle aged mother. This is what desperate looks like.
Well, thanks for not letting me sleep with anyone, but no thanks for telling everyone I have the clap.
Randomize
