Im in Brooklyn, he wasnt 23 or a musician pick me up
You can call me Bill Clinton. I brought 2 good looking Asians home last night.
Had sex with the ex last night. Regretting to begin in 5, 4, 3, 2, 1... WHYYYYYYYYYY!
Men with bald spots should not have mohawks. Just in case you didn't know.
All I want for christmas is my sobriety back.
EW EW EW EW THAT PENIS BELONGS TO SOMEONE'S FATHER! THAT PENIS BELONGS TO OUR FRIEND'S FATHER! THAT PENIS HELPED CREATE OUR FRIEND! YOU'RE NOT ALLOWED TO ADMIRE IT!
I'm already mentally preparing myself for the fact that I'll probably be sleeping next to a toilet.
MISSING: One left eyebrow. Reward if returned.
I'm hoping that banging a 24 year old 3 times cancels out banging that freshman on Wednesday
Just took 4 secret shots in his bathroom to not remember him naked.
somehow a sneeze triggered me puking over everyone in the car
I'm not saying Tijuana was a bad idea, I'm saying that we make poor life choices. And Steve was robbed by the police.
If you think for one second that I would forget Mardi Gras, you clearly don't know how much I love boobs.
Sending out old nude selfies with the message "#tbt"
Have you seen that new toaster that burns your pics to toast? Let's drink some booze and discuss what I have I mind.
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