Is that you in the white hat?
Fine suit yourself
at church Sunday morning I dropped an M&M down my dress and it landed in my bra. I fished it out and ate it. A lot of people saw me.
i actually looked down at my cock today and said "whoa buddy, you need a haircut....(grimace) and a shower"
And God said, "Let there be Twilight," and it was so.
I should injure you considerably.
I looked him in the face and asked if we could stop. he asked why. I said "I can't feel it.". ...I feel bad; I should have faked.
so...he totally just used scissors to cut up the weed. a wet paper towel to moisten the blunt....and a blow dryer so it wouldn't be wet. this dude either has the worst case of OCD or has the potential to be the next martha stewart.
just found out i fit into magnum condums. this is going to be the best weekend ever
no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
i know you like preteen girls so i'm gonna offer you some advice...dump a bucket of glitter on yourself and walk into the sunlight. they will come running.
I just got a high school volleyball teams practice cancelled because I slept with the head coach through their practice time.
I just licked the seasoning off all the doritoes in the bag. Tell me when I should stop drinking or I'll just move on to the sunchips
Do you remember some guy walking around the club saying "boner patrol" and smacking people in the dick?
Yeah, that was you
It happened again.
What?
I lost in a drinking contest with my 84 year old grandmother. Two years in a row now.
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
I need to find a divorced guy with a boat and let my tits do the talking
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