how do you wash the taste of whore out of your mouth?
she likes to give head while listening to britney spears, getting blown by a girl with headphones on is a nice level of separation
It feels like Jesus smacked me in the face with the new testament for drinking so much last night
i almost hope i AM knocked up so i can ruin the rest of his life
in my defense i said 'lock up your wives' before going out.
Think I just subconsciously wanted a cigarette and started sleep walking to Carl's.. Didn't realize what I was doing until I found myself in an elevator.
Drunk and alone at a magic show is what my life has become without you
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
Let's have sex in an apple orchard
I just rolled a blunt and took my bra off. I'm not going anywhere.
In going to go underground and live with the mole people for a while.
That moment when you're in a room with 3 guys and know how big their dicks are. Then you are married to the one with the smallest dick.
Philosophical question for you: is it better to go into work slightly drunk or slightly coked out?
You left me with 12 red bulls and a bottle of vodka. What did you expect?
Not only did I sleep with the guy but I think I may have called my work and quit to go work for him.
Randomize
