No, I can't hang out with Dave because he already has a girlfriend. The one with the tatoos of cherries on her "cherry." Yeah, she doesn't really make me feel spectacularly comfortable.
she farted while i was going down on her. not doing that again
everytime he calls himself the maxipad master i can't help but wonder what costume that would involve.
I love Welcome Back Week...No I wont accept your god but i will accept that hot dog
pop tarts are not kleenex
"I could never have "feelings" for someone who, at one point, wanted to "hate fuck" my face."
I'll see ya tonight at your house...and I'm bringing you a special treat that starts with a V and ends with us eventually going to rehab one day.
nothing says roomie bonding better than a sunday shroom trip.
Just served breakfast to a bunch of hella drunk kids. They kidnapped the birthday boy for his 21st and he was wearing a disney onesy and bunny ears. They've been drinking since before dawn, why don't we have friends like that?
she said she walked into the kitchen and i was sitting ass naked on the floor chugging her parents vodka.
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
he's so hot I'd consider breaking the whole, "till death do us part," agreement he's currently in
Just found out that the guy I lost my virginity to voted for Gary Johnson. It's almost more upsetting then him ending up being a massive asshole.
i just swapped my iPhone for a happy meal. this is greg btw, the hooker let me borrow her phone
I just split a tacobell party box with my boss. 12 tacos. We were equals for a moment.
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