I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
You know you're true friends when you can talk about what sexual diseases you may or may not have.
burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
dude are you gonna smoke tonight? my day was shit and I wanna get high
worker bees can leave....even drones can fly away....the queen is their slave
nevermind....I'm on the way
He told me he wouldn't do any drunk sluts but me. I guess that's sort of a compliment...?
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
I got head to The Nanny. Officially gay.
She narrowed it down to 7 guys that could have gotten her pregnant.
she was masturbating to a video of herself masturbaing. She's a keeper
For her birthday she wants to, " try something different with our butts a funnel and a bottle of whiskey"
I am in the bathroom at work, pooing while eating pretzels. Hungover Fridays are in full effect
I woke up in the middle of the night with my dick out and my electric blanket on high. It's like she wanted a hot dog.
I woke up to a huge bag of McDonalds breakfast, a cup of coffe and Advil. The note read "yeah its a one night thing, but I felt bad so here you go. Thanks"
He just set a new unobtainable standard in one night stand etiquette.
whoever decided snowing in 90 percent of campus on a night when the streets are flowing with tequila and skittles was clearly not an R.A.
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