I have had sex with more partners than how old he is.
I puked in a mailbox on the way back from your house.
Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
I am NOT getting arrested in a batman mask
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i get tired of guys telling me there married or they have a girlfriend. they act like it concerns or matters to me
Its that time of year where we just drink more instead of dressing warmer
Either there is a god and he hates masturbation, or one of my roommates stole my vibrator while I was in the shower.
I'm gonna give him birthday punches. On the dick. With my mouth.
Lest we forget our veterans. Also that two years ago I lost my virginity on this day in a hot tub. Go me for being the worst person on earth.
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we both turned hook ups into relationships we are crushing this thing called life right now.
You kept yelling "NO CAPES" at me for no apparent reason
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
I put on that one song on Titanic so he'd fall asleep. When I was positive he'd passed out in a drunken fit, he outstretches his arms and says "I'm flying, Jack.."
Threw up on break at work. That brings our collective tally to 9 times. We can never drink like that on a monday again
He's a waste of a perfectly good penis.
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