I would wrestle an alligator for a bj right now
thanks for brining me home and putting me in my bed. the pillow fort your built around me is also appreciated.
Aren't you glad we're at the point in our relationship where I don't even ask why you're hiding in the cabinet?
I hope the walls stop moving before my manager notices that i'm still drunk.
Yeaaah. I'm kinda wary about that guy. Does he still have that taser that he found on the train?
A 40 year old man just put his hands on my thighs and said in these exact words "you're so beautiful and gorgeous and innocent. But life sucks and you'll probably turn into a whore."
I just used FaceTime as a look out while I got a blowjob in the library
You kept trying to make people drink "salsa-ritas." But all you did was dump tequila in a half full jar of salsa, and shove it in people's faces while shouting at them.
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
Someone snapchat me a pic of you topless laying on the bar with Scotty pouring a bottle of tequila down your throat. IT'S NOT EVEN ELEVEN YET.
School starts next week
I smell like cowboy sweat. I got two lap dances. This is the best day of my life!
I took a vibrator for a weekend with my parents instead of a boyfriend. I obviously have my life together.
I feel like I'm a car that keeps getting Bacardi 151 instead of fuel
If I die bedazzle my coffin please.
You have GOT to stop kicking in his kitchen door. Just wait for him to open it next time.
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