I keep trying to leave, but for some reason I'm staying
I'm calling you out on twitter if you don't come over right now.
I just sold a pizza for the ability to listen to spice girls.
What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
you were smoking 3 cigarettes at once saying 'cancer isn't real! Its all in your head!'
Im beginning to think that if I ever write an autobiography it will have to be mostly fill in the blank.
Any day you don't mysteriously wake up in the garbage is a good day.
Want to get together for a boner voyage before you leave?
Your cum is still running out of me. I pity the next person that tries these jeans on....
I remembered to bring wine in a nalgene bottle, but I forgot sunscreen and water. I'm starting to question my life decisions.
Why is there a frozen condom filled with water in my freezer?
Also I know you probably did not understand anything I said on the phone last night but thank you for pretending.
Tried to shave my legs but the rug burn on my knees from last night got in the way.
Stopping for a booty call on the way to a lunch date... Bad form?
My FIANCE just told me he thought you were the prettiest out of all my friends YOU WHORE
Randomize
