my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
just walked past a group of stoners who were staring open jawed in the spice aisle. tonight they will stumble upon something amazing.
He has a chalkboard tally in his bathroom of "Me vs. Toilet". He's losing.
I think we can all look back on last night and categorize it under, " reason why Cory can't be left at the bar by himself"
He sent a pic, I sent one back. Then nothing. It's like we sext-messaged goodbye and ended the relationship.
I woke up to him pissing in their fireplace with fairy wings on.
She is watching her grandpa for the day and the dude just whipped it out and started jerking off while watching the View.
I had sex with a Dutch boy on a rock last night. Happy graduation! x x
Just considered playing a drinking game with powerade with my sister so she would get some fluids in her. I do so well with sick people.
I tried to break it off with the married one. He offered to pay off my car.
The side bitch struggle is real.
I'm too over dressed and drunk for this emergency vets office
You peed all over his floor and had a bottle popped in your ass when you passed out. Don't tell me I'm "still living in my college days"
Getting a UTI was SO NOT on my wishlist for the holidays
Let's take a shot for every time we've said "I don't want to get that drunk tonight"
Oh no...did you put star fish over your nipples again?
Randomize
