Swine flu. Run for my life!
God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
We just had the worst moment of our late twenties.... We just realized we are too old for the real world
I have no idea how to attract men with my personality anymore. He can't see my tits via facebook chat
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
Synchronized big wheels back flips off the second floor roof. Good idea or great idea?
He came up behind me making dolphin noises in my ear when I noticed a collection of hors d'ouevres from the reception earlier in his jacket pocket
I will never doubt you again...he IS perfect for you
And I can say one thing, I look pretty good in high wasted pants. I don't know if that helps. But I do. God I'm high.
Well Apparently I went to piss out my window last night, woulda been ok if I opened the window or the blinds.
WHY IS HE GONE WHEN I ACTUALLY HAVE THE AMOUT OF ESTROGEN TO HUMP A SQUIRREL?!?!
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
I'm so high that hamburger just went up my nose. Mustard BURNS
you called me drunk last night to talk about summoning sex demons with magic WTF
Dude I bought tampons with cardboard applicators by accident and now I know my vagina hates the 1960s
He finished and he wasn't even totally hard. He actually came without a boner.
HOW IS THAT EVEN POSSIBLE.
Randomize
