So right when I was pulling her underwear off with my teeth, she told me, "Stick your penis in my 'nanners." Needless to say, there was no penis-'nanner interaction.
I think I just saw the silver monkey from legends of the hidden temple sitting out in someone's trash
GO. BACK. NOW.
my sombrero is too big for the bathroom
the only thing i remember last nigh is talking to some chick for thirty minutes about cheese.
It's now 3:30 and the guy I went home with is showering me with shredded cheese. Nbd.
I fed him pizza in bed. I'm probably the best one night stand ever.
I feel like he's only with me because no one else would blow him.
I thought it was a myth but I have just reached the age of sitting on my balls. Not a fan.
They're either celebrating their tax money or trying to kill each other.
Come over. And we'll put iced coffee in the bong.
I just learned in class that female whales slap their fins against the water and then ten males come and fight for her yet we can't get guys to text us back
My parents get here at 6 so I have to make it look like a sober virgin lives in my room by 5.
Honestly after an incomprehensible political rant yoga seems like the best option at 2 am
I'm gonna write a book entitled "when you give a cop a cookie..."
I don't even want to know.
Do you realize we were driving someone else’s car and I was holding the wheel while you were driving and sucking my dick. That’s NOT normal
Randomize
