I can't go out tonight. I feel like I'm starting to party as much as Farrah on Teen Mom.
I've had enough of this chick, she wanted to cuddle after giving me a handjob. I feel like I'm in junior high
You know what sound is wonderful for a hangover? Listening to the horns from the South Africans at the world cup
She is putting glow sticks from her bedroom to the bathroom. She is calling it 'Being prepared'. God help us all tonight...
He said "I wish they sold 40's in bars".. and a business plan came to mind. Maybe I CAN do something with my degree...
You know how most people would take your keys when they don't want you to leave a party? Those 2 girls aren't most people. They took my pants instead.
true friends will drive 3 hours to come smoke a couple blunts with you on the bridge where your car broke down
he told me it was like eating gods vagina.
All of the hungover. I've changed not showered but can't quite make it to the booze.
WE'RE IN THE RED ZONE PLAY THRU THE PAIN
The George Foreman grill is melted. I don't know what other problems could arise.
He wasn't excited for the fifty shades of grey trailer, so I told him we're done
We need a hype man... Like a DMX type dude to just up the ante constantly...
It's been awhile, you pregnant yet?
I'm not in the business of asking people about their lizard
I meant his actual lizard not his manhood
Not gonna make it. His stripper neighbors are playing a Super Bowl drinking game that involves removing my clothes
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