I got drunk at the beach today. I got the word Badass! tatooed all the way across my foot. Probably a bad idea.
Rocking a Headband at the strip club, because of Rock of Love this shit is like their kryptonite, I smell like stripper butter and back child support.
i finally found my car by the hideout. it was parked in an employee only parking space with a torn up piece of paper in the back window with the word employee scribbled on it.
Now there are two cop cars. If I go to jail I just would like to thank you for making me wear boxers.
What was your penis's nickname in high school? Also, what was it's theme song?
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
Ikeep having to ask jim if I'm actually talking. I canmt feel my body...this is what Christmas is all about
Didn't want you to think it had been open season on my vagina since we broke up.
I found you in the bathroom. You were sitting cross-legged on the floor wearing nothing but socks completely surrounded by broken crayons.
I'm sorry you caught us fucking in your bathroom. If it makes you feel any better when I tried to put my pants back on I dropped them in the toilet.
She answered the door wearing a basket, said it was the only clean thing she had.
He looks like an accountant with a secret kinky candy filled center.
Should I apologize for the loud sex I had in his living room? Because I'm not going to.
Definitely not.
we're forecasting high levels of inebriation into the evening with dropping temperatures late at night
Quick question: now that you've broken up, should I also delete the nudes your boyfriend sent me while you were together??
Randomize
