mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
so he let me use one of the toothbrushes that came in his daughters 4 pack, purple glittery toddler toothbrush, the next time i came back his wife has used their label maker and put my name on it...
it wasn't sex, it was awkward naked time.
the people going to church this morning while i was walking home did not seem as pleased as i was with how many beads i earned last night
She vajazzled her vag. It was as useless as putting earrings on chewbacca
debating whether or not to save the package from my first plan b pill. it would be a nice addition to any baby book.
yeah...i noticed he pets people when he's drunk. It's odd.
I feel like I'm taking part in a surprise porno. At least my hair looked good.
All I kmoe is rheres a coffee pot full pf vodka in my purse
I don't have any money, so I'm just gonna press my boobs against him for his birthday.
I will turn myself into a beacon of get at me bro
Sooo does anyone wanna tell me why I threw up a cigarette this morning?
OMG YOU DID TO?!
FINE. BE CELIBATE AND ACCUMULATE CATS. SEE IF I CARE.
I woke up alone, naked in her bed staring at a lifesize poster of edward cullen,actually I'm lying I did have socks on
Do you remember trying to eat the shower curtain last night...?
Randomize
