im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever
Honestly there's alot of things I'm confused about the only thing I know for certain about last night is that I ate pizza
it sounds like her vocal chords are covered in pudding and rocks. come get me.
If we keep treating our bodies like amusement parks we have another 10 years left at best.
I made a google map for "places I got blow jobs"
So what do you think the policy is on vomit in rental cars? do I have to clean that up or is that part of the service I'm paying for?
It's been so long that I've occasionally forgotten I own a vagina
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
I know I'm high, but the dude in target definitely just told me that it's best to walk through every door in life like you're a t-rex....
he never texted me back from last night. i think brining out the suction cup dildo was a mistake
Yeah because the only thing stopping you from fucking Emma Watson is you not being a Gryffindor
you left your anal beads in the dishwasher
I'm so festive that I used my jack o lantern bucket as a just in case barf bin
Not to be gross and awkward, but I just had sex outside in the rain on the hood of a lexus
I don’t know what he is but he sure can suck a lollipop.
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