When you only buy popcorn and condoms at the grocery store they know whats up.
my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
everyday i am more and more thankful i can still check the no box for "have you ever been convicted of a felony?" on applications
My professor just used the phrase "balls deep in your mind". My day is officially made.
I never thought I'd say this but my vagina is taking a serious break for awhile
I don't know how I'm gonna do that tomorrow. I feel like I was hit by the motorhome. LOL I WAS.
Apparently drunk me thinks it's a good idea to put drops of acid in assorted open drinks in the fridge... This should be a fun week.
Don't be surprised if I hand out mini dildos on Halloween
I sang Seal's Kiss From a Rose to my quesadilla
I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
He's interpretive dancing to Crazy by Britney Spears and expressing his feelings for either me or the guy next to us
Why was I lying under a truck last night?
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
She was on top, but I lost her at "alright, you look like predator."
I really need to stop having sex.. I haven't been able to get a brush through the back of my hair for a good week and a half
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