i think he might wanna be bffs again, but idk cause we're friends again but we haven't been bff since like a year. i don't know what to think...
wow. what a nail bitter. i need popcorn for this. brb
Phease come get me i thought i was in a place i don't even understand
fyi, if youre wondering if offering a female police officer sexual favors will get you out of a ticket, the answer is no.
They only remember me when they're drunk...I'm like a suppressed memory.
New drinking game: take a shot everytime Jay-Z is played during the NFL draft.
I'm going to come in a little later this morning....there's no heterosexual way to say this....$1 flip flop sale at old navy
Admitting I go to nursing school is my subtle way of saying, yes, I know every muscle in your penis and how to effectively use them.
She looked at my facebook and decided to bump the security deposit up an extra 250...now we have to destroy the house, its expected and I wouldn't want to disappoint
It's taken me 5 years and 2 beers to finally realize that maybe he isn't the dude for me. Also, that picking your major should be done sober, lest you find your self an art major.
I woke up spooning my guard tube. Tell me I'm not the most dedicated lifeguard ever
I'm gonna go drown myself in the shower. Make sure to cover me up before the paramedics arrive. I'm too fat to be seen naked right now.
There is a midget driving a powered tricycle around town. I am not drunk, stoned, or lying.
Why would you get kicked out?
Well, an overweight man is currently not wearing a shirt. Or pants. And is getting in touch with his inner Chippendale. You can probably fill in the blanks.
His mom let me come to his house for a Booty call at 4am. She even cooked us breakfast in the morning and told me im a better moaner than his girlfriend of 4yrs.
i left you alone for two hours TWO HOURS & when i got back i had to rush you to the hospital because you were covered in Smooth Away pads & drinking the bong water..
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