i should write a book entitled 'the joys of being sexually objectified'
You are the only person I know who got away with wearing a turtleneck while getting laid. ONLY person.
Currently bleeding through my leggings. Not good. Not good at all.
Hospital.
I am invincible.
My little brother just suggested we drink the rest of the vodka because it's raining. My job is complete.
I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
I will pre answer that I did not see it the fun way. He was peeing outside.
I hate find pieces of condom wrappers on carpet. It's like god is throwing flakes of shame for me to vacuum up
she shotgunned a can of v8, threw the can on the ground and said, "fuck bitches get money" then passed out on the spot
k. The important thing is we are going out. You are stones. I am mildly hallucenating.
We just had an accidental Facebook titty pic scare.
You started pulling out condoms from your fanny pack and threw them at all the couples on the beach
If you find me in the bathroom in a fetal position, licking frozen bacon .. I might have Drank a little too much.
Just packed a snack to eat on the way to McDonald's. That stoned.
Are you sure you found YOUR underwear?
I don't think you understand I turned down McDonalds for you.
Randomize
