i was so high that i was eating crumbs of my bed only to realize they were fuzz thingies. fml.
you kept slapshing your drinks on people saying the power of christ compels you.
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
He kept telling me how extraordinarily clean my ears were.
If is anything like my past relationships, I have no doubt that I will single-handedly reignite the Cold War
It's really sad that I'm trying to calculate in my head the type of place to have dinner that's worth anal
Fate is real! that hot chick, Megan just showed up dressed as jasmine and I'm dressed as Aladdin this is going to be cake
I was trying to get everyone to go to the bar but I puked on my hands, so nobody took me seriously.
YOU ARE SO GOD DAMN LOUD AND YOU'RE SHAKING THE GOD DAMN HOUSE. FUCKING STOP.
His ex-girlfriend just gave his current girlfriend the heimlach omg omg omg help this is so awkward
I wrote "fuck you meg" on my toaster strudel with the icing. I call it "passive aggressive breakfast"
I swear she is the Mary Poppins of drugs
it's not rock bottom until you fall down an escalator on the way home from a hookup and have to have you dad come pick your drunkass up at 3am. Adulthood.
Puked in the trash can. Took a bite of someone's breadstick and kept dancing and drinking
You kissed my hand and then put a Taco in it. Why WOUDNT I leave my husband?
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