i'm not a human right now. not even a dancer.
i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
Then all the boys were saying that they were amazed at how much i could smoke...i'm so proud of myself
New moon trailer came on. Theater booed. I love these people.
Some daaay... Bet your bottom dollar that some daaay you'll do that mollyyyy
You don't understand. This could be the last time I shave a star into my vag. Get over here.
OH MY GOD THE LITTLE GIRL IS SITTING WITH US WHILE WE SMOKE. I'M NOT DOING THIS
I spent the money she owed me on enough magnum condoms to make a blimp. Damn right I'm going to make the best of it.
He walked up to anal ring toss like he was going to win you a teddy bear
My roommate definitely just walked in on me playing the piano naked.
By piano you mean.....
Like literally a piano.
Ohhhh that's kind of embarrassing.
You spent like 10 minutes trying to hit a golf ball that was actually a cigarette butt. And then fell over.
Woke up in a hotel room with some random guy then walked over a mile to the bus stop where I laid down and waited on the bus. GREAT NIGHT
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
The condoms have been found. I repeat: THE CONDOMS HAVE BEEN FOUND. he isn't a collector!!!
I'm glad that we laid to rest the suspicion that he was keeping them in a scrapbook. yayy
I skipped the handshake and went right for a dickshake I had him minutes after I saw him.
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