i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
He somehow managed to bang-mail me last night. I woke up this morning to a voicemail from 1:54 a.m. of moaning and screaming. I now know how talented he is and how annoying I am to have sex with.
I swear the pregnant cashier was jealous when I bought my plan B
You rode him down the last flight of stairs like a human sled.
On that note I give you a 10 for sticking the landing and staying on the whole ride.
He threw me a bud light and when I opened it he smacked it out of my hand because "Dave giveth, and Dave taketh away". WTF
Welcome to the south, dude. Gives the phrase "I wish you a dry ass" a new perspective.
You did profess your love for cotton multiple times and your hatred for all other fabrics
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
So it's safe to say that it's all down hill from here
Do you mean easy livin or downward spiral of alcoholism and disappointment
i fell into a bathtub last night and broke the fall with my forehead. my forehead is bruised
I am going to be so excited tomorrow when I find this box of crayons in my purse
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
Beer. Pizza. Seething Rage. I will be full of two of these things tonight. You get to decide which two.
I'm officially removing you from my nudes recipient list on snapchat.
Why did I wake up naked with a leg cramp and and extra $550 in my wallet?
Randomize
