Apparently he's never heard a queef, he totally thought I farted and got freaked out.
dude my grandmas the shit. she has a sixth grade education and got hit by a car when she was 18. she cant smell.
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
she wants me to meet her parents and she hasn't even met my penis yet.
we are cloud gazing and there is one that looks like a giant baby riding a dolphin and smoking a joint
i wish there was a reasonable explanation for why this reminds me of you
i'm satisfied with the level of pretty that his new girlfriend isn't.
I guess I'll put a green shirt on. Also, I just snorted some protein shake power. That doesn't have anything to do with St. Patrick's Day. I just wanted you to know in case i die.
Makes Sense, i generally dont want the same person two days in a row. Its like what i pick for supper, i like variety
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
Would giving a bouquet of flowers to my mother be a good way to say, "sorry you walked in on my boyfriend eating me out"?
All I'm saying is that any 24 year old guy who sends me a snapchat from the vantage point of his dick with the caption "hiding behind my weiner" is off my list potentially dateable guys.
If it was any colder outside, the frost from my breath would make a mixed drink
Woke up this morning with Nerf Bullets stuck to everything in my house and nut in my belly button. What exactly happened last night?
it's like i'm making a family tree of tunnel buddies for my vagina
If my body were a person, it would be beating the shit out of me for what I did to it last night.
Randomize
