Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
So you coming over for some grilled cheese and head?
I hate it when hot girls behave. It's so anticlimactic
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He used my blackberry to make a voice recording of me orgasming, then set it as my ringtone while I was sleeping. I discovered this during a staff meeting this morning.
Just for future reference: milk is NOT a good mixer no matter how drunk you are.
I tried to show my boob for free volcano tacos at taco bell last night. Not boobs. Just boob. The manager wasn't allowing it.
I can't even look at my running shoes. I swear I drank more in the last 2 days than the last 6 months combined
The chlamydia really affected his face.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We still on for coffee?
Cream and sugar. Deliver to planned parenthood in 45.
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
He picked me up in the very car he devirginized me in, his moms toyota.
Can I borrow you for, like, thirty minutes so you can lay on one boob and rub the other until I fall asleep?
Dad got stoned the other day and bought us potty training seats for when we have children
The amount of illegal things I've done this weekend is astounding.
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