I need to stop coming to work sober
I was so drunk i thought Kathy Griffin was funny
Can we have fireworks this year or will the ocean explode?
My goal tonight is to get arrested because what cop can say they have ever arrested a giant sperm before. God I love halloween
You're right. Single life welcomed me back with open arms. It's like it knew it wasnt going to be long when I left.
I feel like every picture I upload of him on facebook where you can see his purity ring, I should make the caption "something in this picture does not belong"
Dude, she sent me a nude of her posing in the mirror and her dad was in the reflection
Would it be considered cannibalistic if I wanted to eat off his bacon tattoo?
I'm eating captain crunch out of a cup half full of beer so idk
I think I just figured out how to make weed tea in the coffeemaker.
We were so sore from having sex that we decided to fix it with more sex. It's the hair of the dog for sex hangover.
Is it bad that if I found out I couldn't have kids I'd be more pissed that I've been using unnecessary condoms than the fact that I'll never be a mother?
My new superpower is making fuckboys disappear!
Bending dicks and egos since 2002
Flight got cancelled. Stayed in the same hotel as the flight crew so now I can cross Sex with Pilot off the bucket list
He regularly flies into DC, so I’m going to sign him up for my Frequent Flyer program!
Dude on the shuttle bus eating a Butterfinger and watch porn on his phone and doesn’t give a fuck who knows
We need to get on his level
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