Our Neighbors are trying to steal our ducks!
ugh. my soul tastes like vodka
she made me cover her fishbowl with my shirt because she "didn't want to corrupt it."
under NO circumstances is it acceptable to fist pump to taylor swift
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
my little brother just asked me why i have handcuffs. How do I tell him that his sister likes being taken advantage of in the bedroom?
She bought a fucking hedgehog. And that's just the tip of the crazy iceberg.
One blow job doesn not make me gay.
My dildo fell into the bathtub. It sounded like a chainsaw.
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
A guy dressed like Jesus just gave me a mini keg. Prayers really do come true.
Gross! What the hell is that?!?
It's quite clearly a man posing erotically with multiple packages of bacon.
I think I freaked him out last night. We got back to my place and I made chicken nuggets, chicken Alfredo, and half of one of those huge oreida hashbrown bags. And then ate all of it
He managed to rip my nipple last night....
I'm armed with nothing but $4 lip gloss gum and my phone. Ready to take on the fucking world.
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