we were just talking about designated drivers and i suggested we each hire a mexican day laborer to give us piggy back rides... i have the best ideas eveeer
I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
ugh. my friday night is playin' Farmville on my face. time to harvest the blackheads...
finally cleaned my dorm for the first time all year. bleach is awesome.
At my internship. I get drug tested tmr at 2
Are they going to pay you for the one day you worked?
You threw a bottle at the bartender and then stole his tip jar. However, you were quickly KO'd by the bartender. Solid right hook.
I think one day, after evolution kicks in, my sons will thank me for having a 3rd ball. That's how much sex I'm having.
I'm puking to John Mayor, save me. Or at least change it to somethong beyyt
I created another version of Halloween, it's called swalloween, whatever girl in a slutty costume you bring home has to swallow or forever be known as the holiday grinch
She has the perfect pussy. Looks like a paper cut with a puff of cotton candy on top.
How do u even exfoliate your vagina
Sara can't come to the phone right now. She's currently having an in-depth conversation with a flower pot.
Sex while Star Warsing is the best
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
There are only a few things more freaky than wandering around a zoo drunk.
Randomize
